“Be careful with your thoughts,  for they become your words.

Be careful with your words,  for they become your actions.

Be careful with your actions,  for they become your habits.

Be careful with your habits,  for they become your character.

Be careful with your character,  for it becomes your destiny.”

Anonymous

There is only one decision you need to make;

either you are working at your Freedom,

or you have accepted your Bondage.

Robert Adams

May 2010 bring you all you need to support you in your healing journey.

Warmly,

Gloria

If you bring forth that which is within you,

then that which is within you will be your salvation.

If you do not bring forth that which is within you,

then that which is within you will destroy you.

The Gnostic Gospels

For example, take the parents’s need for respect, where the child learns not to say anything negative to the parent or assert their person and talk back to them, in order for their parent’s need for respect to be fulfilled.   Or when the parent needs the child to grow up too fast, and become adult like long before they are developmentally ready to do so.  This, so the parent can have their need to be cared for fulfilled.  In these ways the child begins to act in ways that are not authentic to themself, but rather in ways they sense on some level are expected by the parent.  They realize being loved for who they are just isn’t going to happen.  That in fact, according to Janov, “it is hopeless”.  As a result, the child turns to repeating back their words to the parent and acting in ways that are not authentic to themself, and therefore not aligned with the reality of their own needs and desires.  In time, not being aligned with their own needs and desires becomes the child’s normal way of being.

If love existed in the life of the child, they would be able to be themself, as love is about letting someone be who they are.  It’s the hopelessness of never being loved for who they are that causes the psychological split in the child, between the authentic and inauthentic selves.   The child denies the realization that his own needs will never be filled by being who they are, no matter what they do.  Substitute needs develop as a result.  These substitute needs turn up as symptoms like nervousness, worries, fears, issues with self-confidence, self-sabotaging thinking patterns, obsessions and compulsions.  All outward signs of burried pain.  As the pain accumulates within, repression builds in its own quiet way.   When the child is thoroughly repressed, they lose touch with who they are.  Humans, being the adaptive creatures that we are, find ways to adapt to the pain inside, and go on.  But the pain is still there, and it doesn’t go away as we grow up.  Do you see where this is heading?  The repressed pain that results from not being loved in a way that meets our needs growing up stays with us as an imprint that gets stored in the cells of the body.   In time, depending on circumstance, the child, or youth, or adult  find their own way(s) of coping with the pain, which can include one or more of the addictive behaviours.  In too many cases, making the choice to resolve an immediate condition like pain in the short-term, can lead to the development of a full blown illness in the long-term.  Over time, unmet needs and the pain inside that follows, can mark the birth of addiction.

Please note this post is not about blaming our parents for not giving us what we needed growing up.   Parenting philosophies and practices of their day were no doubt in the way of doing so, not to mention how well our grand parents raised our parents.   This post is more about continuing to cultivate an understanding of our psychological travels through life.  This, so we may recover and heal, and also, so love  may blossom in our hearts for ourselves, as well as for those we care about today.

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom.”

Rabindranath Tagore, Indian Poet/Saint

Ever wondered if there is anything you can do to grow out of the psychological conditions labelled ‘addict’ and ‘trauma survivor’?  Well, there are.  Eventhough each carry the burden of feeling trapped in a world of unending pain and suffering, each also hold the potential for relief and transformational change.  The question is how ready and how willing are you to do what you can do for yourself, right now, to move out from where you are and into a new condition of mind and body?  It’s a big question.  And for some one that rouses a genuine fear of the unknown.

What would happen if you stepped out of the warm emotional nest of an old identity, one you’ve been tending for a very long time, even if it’s been a painful one, and into an identity you’ve never experienced before?  What would happen to the comfort of the familiar pain?  Where would it go?  More importantly, how would you feel without it?  Exposed?  Frightened?  Relieved?  How would you identify yourself when the words ‘addict’ or ‘trauma survivor’ no longer apply?  Then what?  Who would you be then?

The good news is the movement out of a comfortable emotional nest of an old identity and into a new one is a natural process.  It can be a process that unfolds at a pace that is comfortable for you, where you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself, in the now, while you grow steadily into a new you.

What would this process look like?

• Creating safety and preventing relaspe, and getting clean time under your belt.  This lays the foundation for the emotional work you may know you need to do.
• Learning to regulate your emotional experience in order to be in control of it once again.  This will help you to feel safe through the healing process, and to prepare yourself for future emotional work.
• Creating a container for your felt experience through your body to learn to be in the present moment as it is, unfettered by wishful thinking about the past or future.  The present moment is your point of power for healing and forward movement.
• Enlisting the support of compassionate others who are both walking the same path as you, and who have walked this path before and  know the way through.

Together, this approach will meet  you where you’re at to enhance your power to change by working with, and not against, your natural healing instincts.  It will help you to grow into the person you already know you are deep inside.  Stay tuned for details about an innovative new program being designed to support you through this life enhancing process.

How does this translate into the ‘real world’?  Well, take drinking for example:  What if you’ve been conditioned to want a drink whenever you feel stressed?  And what if there was a moment when you’re desiring the drink when you could allow the desire for the drink to be okay?  To see desire for what it is . . .  just another desire . . . and to feel desire in the body . . . to name what it feels like in the body . . . and then within the privacy of your own mind, lean back from desire and simply be there with the perception of it, without taking any action (yet).  What would happen then?  Well, it would give you the ability to . . . pause . . . to consider the ways in which you could respond to desire, before you actually did anything about it.  Rather than being pulled back into a tour of duty with the addictive behaviour.

How can you let desire for something be okay?  You do it by learning to hear the Witness.

In Steven Cope’s masterful work ‘Yoga and the Quest for the True Self’ he talks about how the Yogis discovered that if we can work with our awareness in a way where we acknowledge sensations as they arise in the body, experience these sensations fully, and perhaps most importantly, bear them, we can find freedom and no longer be bound to the world of duality.  We would no longer have to feel compelled to react to sensations as they arise.  In bearing them, we let them be.   In letting them be, we can see them for what they are.   In Yogic practice this is called the Witness conciousness.  It holds the power to free us from our own conditioned responses and to the play of opposites in the world of duality.  In learning to work skillfully with the Witness, psychological healing will flower.   This is awareness in action.

• Tolerance:  Either taking more to achieve the same effect, or taking the same amount that has less effect.
• Withdrawal:  Either experiencing characteristic withdrawal symptoms for a substance, or doing something to avoid or relieve withdrawal symptoms.
• Usage:  Either the amount used or duration of use, is more than what was intended.
• Control:  Either trying repeatedly to control usage or reduce usage.
• Time:  Either using, recovering from use, or trying to get the substance to use, is how a considerable amount of time gets spent.
• Blinkers On:  Either reducing or abandoning important work, social activities and/or leisure activities to focus on using.
• Negative Consequences:  Continuing to use in spite of being aware of developing physical or psychological problems.

So . . . having said that, if it’s addiction you’re dealing with, and you know in your heart you want to stop, here are a number of things you can do about it right now.

• Detox:   If it’s an addiction involving alcohol or drugs, consider going to a medical detoxification facility in your area, to safely withdraw your body and mind from the substance. You will be supervised by a doctor and/or nurse and other support staff while you transition into a clean and sober life.  If there is no such facility in your area, consider consulting with your physician, or a doctor in a local walk-in clinic or hospital emergency ward, or with a counsellor in an addiction focused outpatient clinic, for information and support about the withdrawal process.
• Safety: This is a critical issue in early recovery:  creating a safe world around you to abstain from the addictive behaviour.  This is where a 12 Step meeting like Alcoholics Anonymous or Overeaters Anonymous can be very very helpful.  You will find other people there who also want to stop.  Gathering together with like-minded people is not to be underestimated as a potent medicine for recovery.  It is.  Addiction grows in isolation.  You begin to turn things around when you give yourself permission to come out of isolation, that sense of feeling separate from yourself, the human community, and the natural world.  Moving out of isolation can occur through the synergy created from the process of sharing your experiences with others, and listening to them while they share theirs with you.  When done in a safe environment, it’s one way to begin healing the effects of addiction.  If there is no 12 Step meeting in your area, or you’d just rather not go there, ask yourself this:  Who in your life is on your side? Who can you call when you feel like using, and don’t want to?  Who can you call when you need to talk your way through a difficult or triggering moment? Who can you call when you just need to talk?

• Start Developing a Plan.  Think of it as a map you could use to help get you to your desired destination.  Here are a few things to consider as you begin developing your map to prevent the return to an addictive behaviour.  Is where you spend your time free of the behaviour you’re trying to stop?  Are you taking care of your body with good nutrition, healthy fluids, and regular exercise your body enjoys?  Are you being kind to yourself?  Do you commit acts of violence against yourself?  Do you know how to relax?  Is there a hobby or talent you enjoy that you could bring back into your life?  Can you identify people, places or things that could trigger the addictive behaviour?  Do you know why you started the behaviour in the first place?  Do you know who you are?

Stopping an addictive behaviour is no small feat.  It’s something few people can do alone. Most people benefit from meaningful support to launch them into recovery and a self-affirming way of living. Needing or wanting support is not about being weak. In fact our brains are hardwired for relationships.  That’s how we’re built.  Needing or wanting support is about being human.  Personal isolation is one of the hallmarks of addiction. Allow yourself come out of that frightening, lonely place. You’ll be so glad you did.

If you know you’re dealing with addiction and you’re not sure you want to stop, talking to someone you can trust can be enormously helpful while you come to the very best decision for yourself.  Take the time to talk it out.  You’re worth it. 

Where can you turn?  To a local addiction clinic, a compassionate doctor or nurse, a good friend or trusted relative, a professional in a mental health office who understands addiction, a non-judgmental minister or priest in your community, a person at a local Alcoholics Anonymous (or other 12 Step) meeting, an online forum or service, just to name a few.  Take the time to talk it out.  Having a future depends on it.

What can make matters even more confusing to the trauma survivor is our society perpetuates old misinformation about what trauma is.  It contains a number of misleading beliefs that can barrier you from getting the help you need to move on emotionally to live a fuller richer life.

Here are a number of misconceptions about trauma that our society holds true:  

• You cannot recover from a traumatic life event.
• You need to abstain from an addictive substance or behaviour before you can begin to deal with trauma.
• Your body needs to be in danger from someone, or something, in order for the event to be considered a traumatic event. 
• You are responsible for the traumatic event(s) that you’ve experienced.  It’s your fault.

Do you believe any of these myths about trauma are true?  Are any of these myths in the way of you getting the help you may need to heal?  For instance, do you believe you cannot recover?  Do you believe you will be living in the same frightening state of mind forever?  In the relm of psychological healing, our beliefs hold the potential to pave the way to the coveted state of well-being, or on the contrary, keep us locked in a painful and constricted psychological reality.  The truth is, you can recover.  Many people have done so before you.  As long as you are breathing, there is hope.  And, depending on your circumstance, the healing process can begin while you are still engaged in an addictive behaviour.  You don’t have to stop the addictive behaviour before the trauma work can begin.  The two can be looked at at the same time.   

Furthermore, trauma is actually a psychological experience of an event where any visual harm to your body may, or may not, have occured.  Consider mental and emotional abuse for example.  While you cannot see its effects on the body, you sure can feel its effects in your soul.  It’s your subjective experience of an event that defines it as a traumatic one, not whether or not there are bruises on your body.  And if there are bruises on your body and your gut is telling you you’ve been traumatized . . . you have.  You are not responsible for the traumatizing action(s) of another.  Ever.

You might want to pause here for a moment and . . . take a big breath in . . . hold it in for a moment . . . and  e-x-h-a-l-e   d-e-e-p-l-y . . . before we move on.  Now that a number myths about trauma have been clarified, what’s next?  One option could be to allow yourself to search out the kind of support that would be meaningful to you at this time in your life.  This could include finding a competent therapist who is trained in trauma to help you navigate your way across these potentially stormy emotional seas.  It could also include finding a skilled Yoga teacher who understands the healing process who would provide you with a safe emotional  environment where you could self-explore and resolve long held memories from the past.  The point is to consider getting the help you need when you need it.

One final note before we say good-bye.  Our mission here at psychologicalhealingandyoga.com is to support you in healing the effects of trauma and addiction.  As time goes on there’ll be ’home grown’ products and services available through this venue designed with you in mind, to enhance your power to change.  They’ll be created from only the best cutting edge information from the fields of trauma, addiction recovery and Yoga, and will include skilled and innovative support to help you make your way through an emotionally challenging period in your life.  To learn more about our developing work, stay tuned for future NEWS updates.  In the meantime, take care and stay safe.  As always, I welcome your thoughts below.